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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary & Barbara Rosberg 
 
 
Question: 
 
We’ve been through the pain of an affair. We want to move on and 
have a stronger marriage. How can we do this?  
 
Answer: 
 
BARBARA ROSBERG: We are so sorry. We’ve heard this question 
countless times before. And, if you leave with anything, please know, 
we have hope for you. 
 
DR. GARY ROSBERG: We really, really do. You know, some of the 
strongest marriages I know have gotten through the pain of an affair. 
They’ve gotten on the other side of it—but I’ve got to tell you, there 
are some things that have to happen. Number one: you have to be 
willing to put everything on top of the table. You know, those who 
want to destroy your marriage don’t work in the light. They work in 
the dark. And so, when you are willing to confess it, whether you got 
caught at it, or you bring it forth—and it’s better to bring it forth—and 
you put it out there; is it going to be hard? Yes. But you need to 
express the hurt. You need to express the betrayal and the anger. And 
you know what? If you’ve done the offense, you’ve got to be ready to 
pack some weight for the thing. Because, your mate is going to have a 
ton of questions for you.  Now, the mate that’s asking the questions 
has to be very, very cautious, because sometimes in their desire for 
information, they will get so much information that their mind will 
become like a steel trap. And, they don’t know how to shake it. So, be 
cautious. Maybe get a counselor or somebody to help you with that. 
 
Secondly, you’ve got to get rid of all of the hurt and the anger. That 
takes time, it takes communication, it takes resolving conflict, and 
 
ultimately, it takes forgiveness.  But on the other side of forgiveness, 
Barb, we tell couples it will take 18-24 months to rebuild the trust in 
that marriage relationship. 
 
BARBARA: Many times, after you’ve discovered an affair; whether it’s 
been told openly or discovered; the most important thing we can 
caution you about is the need to rebuild trust in your relationship. Yes, 
rebuild trust.  We also strongly counsel you to cut off all ties from the 
offending person; no matter if they are calling; if they are seeking you 
out. If they work with you, quit your job. Cut off all ties.  
 
And then also, it’s very important if there has been any clothing or any 
gifts that have been exchanged, get rid of all of those items. Burn 
them, take them out of your house, make sure you are re-cleansing 
your home environment, your marriage.  And again, it’s so vital that 
once you get the boundaries in place with your mate, through the 
leadership of an excellent counselor, then make sure that you are 
always truthful in the littlest things, at all costs. No more deception. 
No more lies. No dishonesty. And, especially, if there’s been any 
contact of any kind with the offending party, then we ask that you 
report it, and stop it immediately. 
 
GARY: Some of the strongest marriages I know have been through the 
pain of an affair. Is there hope on the other side? Absolutely. Is it hard 
work? Yes. Is it messy? Yes. But there’s tremendous hope, and your 
legacy ultimately depends upon your response today. 
 
 
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