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iQuestions Faculty, Bishop Wellington Boone 
 
 
Question: 
 
When we dated, my husband seemed like a nice guy who did things 
for other people. Now, when he comes home, he's drunk or on drugs. 
He goes into a rage, calling me names and cursing in front of the 
children. I don’t believe in divorce, but I’m desperate for a solution. 
 
Answer:  
 
You know, there’s one thing that’s fascinating about creating 
relationships, and that is whether we’re real with each other, right 
from the very beginning. Sometimes, we put on, meaning that there’s 
a show going on before the relationship begins. But I want to tell you 
something. There is no time for putting on, when it comes to 
relationships—especially if it ends in marriage.  
 
I’ve heard so many times that after one became married, they said, 
“They changed!” Well, what happened? They lied. “What do you 
mean?” Sometimes, it’s all about sex, it’s all about winning the other 
person, and sometimes what happens is that they never have enough 
training on what it means to really be married, and what the 
relationship really is all about.  
 
Let me tell you what you can do sometimes, when people change. You 
are a seed into who they become—because, what the relationship is 
about is not your getting but your giving. Every one of us in a 
relationship seed into that relationship, and therefore we have power 
into what it becomes.  
 
Let me just say this: he was won to you. You knew how to win him. 
And what you have to understand is you have an ability inside of you 
 
 
to keep him. What are the things that you did that won him? What 
were the things that you did that had him turned on all the time? 
 
Now, what happens many times is that it was all about sex. You used 
your sexuality to win him. But guess what? You’ve changed a little bit 
yourself. You’re more into how he’s changed, but maybe you might 
need to look at how you’ve changed.  
 
You know, sometimes, it’s all about how good you looked, it was all 
about your nice bod, but now you’ve had a couple of kids, and your 
bod’s changed—and so, therefore, guess what? He’s changed. If you 
won him with your body, you’ve got to keep him with your body. 
 
But if you won him with principle, if you won him because it’s all about 
how you can make him become something, that’s the issue right 
there. It’s not about drawing him to that relationship of intimacy, it’s 
all about drawing him to the reality of what this relationship should be 
all about.  
 
“What do you mean, principle?” 
 
Principle means, what are the standards in your home? Where is the 
vision going? Have you ever encouraged him? Have you ever been the 
one that supported him? Because, guess what? A wife affirms her 
husband’s value. 
 
I mean, out in the world, he could be getting beaten up, but when he 
comes back to you, he becomes the man. See, you’re the key to his 
future.  
 
Now, let’s say, legitimately, he just has bad character. You know 
what? I just want to say this: you have the ability to overcome that 
inappropriate, child-like behavior that’s in that man.  
 
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But you’ve got to be honest with yourself. You had a clue, from the 
beginning. He’s screaming at you, he’s hollering at you. It’s a signal. 
It’s not just about what you’ve done wrong. I’ve stated a number of 
things you can do, I’ve perhaps stated how you won him, but let me 
say this, sometimes people just go bad in the process. There are 
outside forces that are working. You are somebody who can make a 
difference. He married you.  
 
You are the product of your father’s upbringing—that’s really true—and 
your mother’s upbringing. And he saw the value of you, but now 
you’ve been with him, and you’ve changed. You saw that what you 
thought he was, he’s not, but let me tell you something, it’s not over 
yet. Why? Because there’s something in you that’s going to help him 
become something awesome.  
 
I like this term, “king-maker.” Why do I use that term? Because, when 
you start looking at history, when you start looking at the culture, 
women and wives are the ones who help a man become the man he 
should be. That’s how things were created.  
 
Sometimes men put women down, ignore wives. Why? Because 
they’ve lost value in themselves, and they look for somebody to 
blame. Let me tell you. You’re not to blame. 
 
Let me give you three keys. 
 
Number one, treat him like you see him, not like he is—I’m talking 
about visually, like you want him to be. 
 
Number two, let him know about his behavior that is inappropriate. It’s 
all right to do that. But look, agree with him for a change. What if you 
say, “He doesn’t want to change”? Guess what you can do. Prayer is 
an important ingredient in helping your family become heaven on 
earth. Pray for him. He needs your prayers. 
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Number three, get others to agree with you. When I say “others,” 
what am I talking about? Your dad was there, your mom was there. 
They agreed with you that this is going to be a great marriage. 
Sometimes, I’m one of those that believe in the power of agreement. 
Sometimes when parents, sometimes when close friends agree with 
you that this relationship is going to be great—you don’t have to tell 
them everything, but you don’t have to be an island either. You’re not 
ordained to be by yourself. 
 
You’re going to have a great marriage. It’s going to happen now. You 
be patient, you watch things change in your family.  
 
God bless you.  
 
 
 
 
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