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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Gary Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I've lost respect for my husband and don't trust him with my heart. 
He's disrespected, undermined, sarcastically belittled and badmouthed 
me. What do I do? 
 
Answer:  
 
You know, there are a lot of reasons why we lose respect for others, 
and one of the primary ones is what we believe about the person in 
our heart.  
 
If we believe that somebody has a lot of negative qualities, in the way 
they behave, the way they dress, the way they eat, and those things 
irritate us, and we allow our mind to think about those things all day 
long every day, it isn’t long before our husband or our wife is a small 
person in our mind, in our heart. We believe they’re not very 
significant.  
 
So, if that’s the case with you, here’s the remedy: Do you want to 
increase your respect for another person? Do you want to have greater 
affection? Do you want to have enthusiasm to be with this person? 
Even greater love? 
 
Here’s the key: Take a piece of paper, or your computer, and type up 
as many things as you can think of that are positive about your mate, 
or your children or a friend. This works with anybody. The longer the 
list the greater respect and affection you’re going to have for this 
person. Our emotions follow our thinking. Emotions are only data 
telling us what we’ve been thinking about.  
 
 
 
If you concentrate all during the day on the negative things your mate 
is doing, or your friend is doing, it isn’t long before you lose your 
affection and interest in them and respect. So, if you make a list, and 
the longer the list, the better, and you go over the list from time to 
time—every day for awhile—until the list reaches your heart as a 
belief. “Wow, I’m married to a pretty wonderful person!” Or, “my 
friend is a great person,” because you’re thinking positive thoughts. 
This has been researched so many times. It’s amazing the effect this 
has on you.  
 
And then what you start doing, is you start applauding your mate, in 
your heart, in your words—praise. You know, research today is proving 
that the greatest attitude you can have in life to release the most 
positive chemicals—your brain releases them—throughout your body is 
gratefulness.  
 
Just think. Every time you praise somebody or thank somebody—you 
can do it if you make a list of the positive things, and you put a little 
note on the mirror, or in your husband’s wallet or pocket or 
something, a praising note—you actually benefit chemically, and your 
body actually gets stronger.  
 
Do you know what the worst attitude is, that releases the most 
damaging chemicals in your body? Judgmental thoughts and words, 
critical words. Those kinds of words and thoughts being released in 
your mind actually hurt you. 
 
So, it’s a positive thing in your life. Watch how you will be more 
excited about your mate or your friends or your children, the longer 
this list gets, and the more you review them from time to time. It’s 
amazing. It only takes, at the most, a month to get a positive list in 
your heart if your review it carefully every day. 
 
 
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