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iQuestions Faculty, Michael and Amy Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I want to break up with my boyfriend. He's really sensitive. I'm afraid 
of how it'll hurt him or what he might do. What should I do? 
 
Answer: 
 
MICHAEL: I’m so glad you’re thinking about the feelings of the 
boyfriend—that you want to break up with—but I want to tell you the 
longer you wait the less clueless he’s going to become. I have actually 
been that boyfriend with a girl. 
 
The longer you wait, the more I would think that “she’s just not into 
me anymore. What’s going on?” and I would just become more and 
more insecure.   
 
The greatest gift you can give someone when you are breaking up is to 
just do it, and to do it lovingly. Obviously, you don’t want to be cruel—
but it has got to be final. 
 
AMY: And be honest. Really share with the person all the positive 
qualities and the things that you see in that person, but be honest and 
say, “You know what? I don’t see a future in this relationship.”  
 
Truly, making a clean break is going to be the best thing that you can 
do—the best thing that you could do for him, and the best thing that 
you could do for yourself. 
 
MICHAEL: I know that you are concerned about hurting his feelings, 
but guess what? There is a little secret I want to tell you. You are 
going to hurt his feelings. 
 
 
 
And that’s okay. It’s not the end of the world. He will actually, if he 
allows it, be a better person because of the breakup—and you are not 
responsible. This is key. You are not responsible for his feelings. 
 
Now, you are responsible for how you handle yourself, so I always try 
to encourage people, don’t brutalize him. You need to be honest, but 
you don’t want to hang that carrot, like, “Hey, maybe someday we’ll 
get back together.” You just say, “Look. There is not a future for us.” 
You don’t say, “It’s because you stink,” or, “It’s because you don’t 
know how to talk right.” You don’t go into all of that kind of detail. You 
just say, “Look, we aren’t meant to be together, and I’m really sorry.” 
 
Just know that his feelings are going to be hurt, but he will get over it. 
 
M & A Smalley -2- 
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