To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.
 
 
iQuestions Faculty, Michael and Amy Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
We‟re engaged, but aren‟t getting married for a year. We want to 
move in together but our family is discouraging us from doing so. Is it 
wrong to live together before we get married?  
 
Answer: 
 
MICHAEL: We totally get where you‟re coming from, you‟re in love and 
you are thinking, “We‟re going to get married anyway, so why don‟t 
we just move in with each other?” 
 
AMY: “We could save a couple of bucks.” 
 
MICHAEL: That would probably have been your reason, Amy. But I 
would have thought, “This is a great trial run for marriage. So then we 
will know if we are really meant to be together.”  
 
But the research actually paints a totally different picture. Cohabitation 
couples are not as successful. They have a much higher divorce rate 
than couples who just did the regular dating thing and got married.  
 
AMY: Women who cohabitate have an 80% higher divorce rate than 
those who don‟t.  
 
Another bad statistic for women: women who cohabitate also are more 
likely to be abused. For cohabitating couples, that can be very much a 
part of their relationship. That‟s not a great set-up for a marriage. 
 
And I think the other thing is that couples think, “Oh, this is a trial 
run”—but it‟s not.  
 
 
 
Because of the intensity and the commitment level that marriage 
brings… you have spent money on the wedding, you may have gotten 
married in the church, so you might even feel a moral obligation—that 
raises the intensity of the emotions that you feel in a marriage. 
 
You can‟t replicate those emotions when you‟re just dating. So, the 
problem that many cohabitating couples experience is that it was easy, 
it was fun, and then they get married and everything changes. That is 
one of the big reasons why there is a high divorce rate among couples 
who cohabitate before marriage.  
 
So the reality, Amy, is that if you truly love each other, the last thing 
you want to do is cohabitate, because that almost virtually ensures 
your demise. 
 
AMY: I also want to bring up the difference of what cohabitation 
means to men and women. There is a difference there. To women, a 
lot of times they see this as, “This is a part of our journey towards 
marriage.” 
 
MICHAEL: Kind of a next step. 
 
AMY: Where men a lot of times think, “Oh, let‟s see if we are ready for 
that „next step.‟” Do you see that there is a slight difference there? 
 
MICHAEL: Are you suggesting that men are not as committed as 
women are? 
 
AMY: Yeah, basically. 
 
MICHAEL: And it‟s true. 
 
AMY: It is. And I think it is so hard. 
 
 
 
For Michael and me, had we not had that committed relationship, you 
know our first year of marriage was very tumultuous. We were fighting 
all the time. 
 
MICHAEL: Well, if you had just listened to me more, it wouldn‟t have 
been so bad. 
 
AMY: That‟s right.  
 
But until we really learned how to communicate, that is what really 
turned our marriage around. The commitment is really what stabilized 
our relationship. I thought, “There is not going to be an easy out. I am 
in this for the long haul, and I want to make this work” and, in a 
cohabitation relationship, you really do have one foot in, and one foot 
out.  
 
Your family almost keeps their love at bay, because they don‟t really 
know, “Is this going to be a lifetime commitment? Should I really call 
this person son or daughter? Because it may not work out.” 
 
So there‟s another part of that aspect of your family and the 
relationships that that dynamic plays into your decision to cohabitate 
as well. 
To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.