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iQuestions Faculty, Michael and Amy Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
My husband simply doesn't want me in his life anymore. After a year 
of counseling he's decided to divorce me. Should I do more to try to 
save our marriage? 
 
Answer: 
 
MICHAEL: We are so sorry that you are struggling in your marriage 
and that it has gotten to the point where your husband actually wants 
to leave.  
 
Now, this is going to be one of the most difficult things you’re going to 
hear us say, and that is, you have no control over whether he stays or 
goes. In fact, the more you try to force him to stay, the more that is 
actually going to push him away. Sometimes, when we just love our 
spouse unconditionally, and say, “You know what, I don’t want this 
divorce to happen, but it seems like you’ve made up your mind. So I’m 
not going to be ugly, and I won’t stop you from what you want.”  
 
Sometimes, even just that act will turn a relationship around. I had a 
couple come in once that literally was going to sign their divorce 
papers. I mean, it was the day, the morning of their divorce paper 
signing, and they thought, “Well, let’s just try one more thing.” And 
when they came in, and I got them off of each other, and they stopped 
pointing the finger of blame, their relationship turned around.  
 
So you never know what will happen, but sometimes we just need to 
give space. 
 
 
AMY: That’s right. That wall that has been built up between you—even 
though you have been in counseling, even though you have tried 
everything that you know how to do—what sometimes happens is 
when someone has a wall and when someone else tries to tear down 
that wall, they just reinforce the wall. So now it’s not just a foot thick, 
but three feet thick. 
 
If we respect that wall, and say, just like Michael was saying, “You 
know what? I don’t want a divorce, but if this is what you want, I want 
to honor our relationship and honor myself enough to be able to 
respect that wall, and be able to respect that boundary.”  
 
Now, we say that, but then there is another part of it, as well. You 
need to be able to constantly look inward, like Michael was just talking 
about a little bit.  
 
MICHAEL: Well, it’s personal responsibility, really.  
 
And what so many couples mess up with is when they are stressed 
out, and they are on the brink of divorce, they keep blaming, and they 
keep pointing the finger. They keep saying, “If you would only do this, 
and if you [fill in the blank,] then it would be better.”  
 
What we are trying to encourage you to do is look inward and say, 
“You know what? My husband may want to leave, but there are still 
things in my life that I need to get better. I need to change. I need to 
learn how to love better. I need to be accepting, forgiving, merciful”—
all these wonderful traits.  
 
Here is the trick, you start focusing on yourself and getting better, and 
being a better spouse, and you don’t know where that will take you. 
Obviously, a husband or a wife is going to be far more attracted to 
someone who is improving. It’s like you become a light. And in the 
darkness, where am I going to run? I’m going to run toward that light. 
M & A Smalley -2- 
 
 
If you can be a light in the relationship, you might be surprised in what 
that will do for your husband. 
 
AMY: We are all in a journey of maturing in our love. What that looks 
like is for you to focus in and say, “How do I need to handle this 
situation? How can I be proud of myself in this situation, that I 
handled it, and did the best that I can do?”  
 
But ultimately, you are becoming a better person, and you are going 
to be a more mature, more loving, more kind and more patient 
person. 
 
MICHAEL: And what I always tell people is you never lose by doing the 
right thing. You never lose. You will always get better, whether that 
person stays or whether that person leaves.  
 
M & A Smalley -3- 
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