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iQuestions Faculty, Michael and AMY Smalley 
 
 
Question:  
 
My fiancé has had sex and I haven't. I'm nervous about having sex. 
I'm afraid it might hurt and that it might not be a wonderful 
experience. What can we do to prepare for a good sex life? 
 
 
Answer: 
 
AMY: So, I understand you’re nervous about your first night together. 
Possibly, your spouse has had a sexual experience before, and you 
haven’t, and you’re worried, “Is it going to hurt?” And, “Is it going to 
be a good experience?” There’s a lot of emotional buildup to your first 
night together. 
 
MICHAEL: There is. And there are high expectations, especially if 
you’re a virgin. You might be nervous, saying, “Is he going to be 
comparing me to this other girl?” It can get crazy. But we want to 
encourage you. The more you know about sex, the better that 
experience will be. 
 
If you’re nervous about it being uncomfortable or hurting, it’s probably 
a part of it, because you’re a virgin and it takes time to loosen up, be 
able to receive him in a way that’s actually enjoyable for you. The 
sexual intimacy is what can be so much fun. It’s what really draws you 
closer together. 
 
We even got a video series and a book given to us by our pastor that 
went through the nuts and bolts of sex, and I’m telling you right now, 
I was blown away by the things I didn’t know.  
 
 
 
So, when your knowledge increases about sex, your anxiety will also 
decrease. 
 
AMY: And you need to use your communication skills that you learned 
in your premarital counseling. Talk about it. Say, “You know what? 
This is what I’m nervous about,” and be able to have a backup plan. 
What if something happens that night, and it’s just not going to 
happen? Talk through those kinds of things. 
 
MICHAEL: I had a young couple that I just did premarital counseling 
for, and this was their scenario. He’d had sex before and she’s coming 
into the marriage a virgin. She was so anxious. One of the best things 
that helped her, at least that she told me, was that I told her that it’s 
OK to be nervous. I think the greatest gift her fiancé gave her, 
because they’d had a later wedding and they were not going to get 
back to the hotel until late in the evening, was, “Look, if you’re too 
tired, we don’t have to [have sex] the first night.”  
 
I think so many couples put such a high priority and importance on, 
“We gotta do it! We’re married! It’s the first night. We gotta get it on!” 
But you don’t have to. You can actually relax, and then when you’re 
more relaxed you feel more confident.  
 
What was so cool was that his wife-to-be knew that her needs were 
more important than his — and just that attitude will get you ready for 
sex. 
 
AMY: It definitely will. It’s the attitude of serving one another. 
 
I know that women can tend to feel, “Oh my gosh. We’ve waited this 
long. I want to be able to do this, but I just don’t know if that’s going 
to be OK.” 
 
 
 
And if your future spouse can say, “You know what? It’s OK if we 
don’t[have sex],” or if they come to you and say, “You know what? I 
really don’t know if I can let this expectation go,” then you will be able 
to at least go into it and say, “You know what? I’m going to put my 
best foot forward. I am going to enjoy this as much as I can. I’m going 
to try to relax.”  
 
We would just encourage you to take it slow, and use your 
communication skills. Really learn to love each other, and learn that 
your sexual experience with each other doesn’t start and end in one 
night. It’s a journey. And your journey towards intimacy will grow 
throughout your marriage.  
 
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