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iQuestions Faculty, Michael and AMY Smalley 
 
 
Question: How can I achieve intimacy with someone I'm dating 
without having sex? 
 
Answer: 
 
AMY SMALLEY: I understand that your sex life before you got married 
was great, and now that you’re married, things have simmered down a 
bit. You’re wondering, why?  
 
In our relationship I had had sex before and Michael hadn’t. I feel like 
sometimes what happens is before you get married, sometimes there’s 
this feeling, “Oh, we shouldn’t be doing this . . .”  
 
MICHAEL SMALLEY: That naughtiness factor. 
 
AMY: That naughtiness factor. And then after you get married, it’s like, 
“Oh, this is expected.” 
 
I think especially for women, the expectation to have sex can 
sometimes dull down the passion and the enthusiasm to have it 
because your desire to have it is taken over by this, “Oh, I have to do 
it. Now it’s an expectation of me.” 
 
MICHAEL: Where we want to encourage you is to remember this, great 
sex is an outcome of a great relationship. If you’re just having sex to 
have an orgasm and to have that physical pleasure, then you’re 
missing the point of sex. Sex is really about uniting as a husband and 
wife, drawing you closer together, and creating that intensity and that 
intimacy that only sex can do in a relationship. 
 
 
 
You need to realize, “Hey, how is our relationship doing? Maybe our 
sex life is decreasing because we’re not caring for each other. We’re 
not spending quality time outside of the bedroom together the way we 
need to,” and that reality translates into the bedroom so it becomes 
passionate and exciting.  
 
We will say this over and over again: sex is not about you. It’s about 
your spouse. And when you have that servant’s attitude in the 
bedroom, watch how hot it can truly get.  
 
 
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