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iQuestions Faculty, Michael and AMY Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
How do I talk to my partner about wants and dislikes I have in the 
bedroom? 
 
Answer: 
 
MICHAEL SMALLEY: As a couple, one of the most difficult topics to 
discuss with each other is sex. Often it’s because we’re embarrassed 
that we might not have a good knowledge of sex.  
 
But there are certain things that I may want done in the bedroom, and 
I know there are certain things you want done. We want to encourage 
you to talk to each other. Be open. Be honest. It’s OK. There’s nothing 
wrong with discussing your likes and dislikes about sex. 
 
Now you don’t want to do that while you’re actually having sex, 
because it can be very distracting if you’re in the act of sex, and your 
wife suddenly goes, “Uh! I don’t really like it there.” Talk about a mood 
killer. So, we’ve actually set time up in our own relationship to discuss 
sex, like over dinner. 
 
AMY SMALLEY: That’s right. We go in a very crowded place where 
people won’t be able to hear what we have to say.  
 
Also, I just want to add that your personality doesn’t usually change 
when you go from your living room to the bedroom. If you are more of 
a conservative person, that’s probably who you are going to be in the 
bedroom, sexually. And that’s OK. 
 
 
 
I think that the point we are trying to make is that you need to honor 
each other—honor each other in how you approach this situation, 
being able to say, “You know what? I want our relationship to be the 
best that it can be.” 
 
MICHAEL: A lot of times, in most relationships, it can be the guy 
saying, “Hey, I’d like to try this,” or, “What if we did this?” And 
sometimes the wife will respond in a real brutal way, and go, GASP! “I 
can’t believe you would suggest something as disgusting as that!” 
 
Now, that’s one way to respond to an offer your husband makes that 
you might not be open to, but remember you don’t want to shame 
each other about your bodies or about your suggestions. Try saying, 
“Oh, OK. That sounds interesting. I’m not really sure I’m open to that, 
but let me think about it.” Don’t just shut your mate down by shaming 
them. 
 
AMY: I will say that women and men do need to be able to talk about 
you-know-what beforehand. Talk about what you like and what you 
don’t like. When you’re able to do that with each other, then you’re 
able to share your vulnerability.  
 
And isn’t sex truly the most vulnerable part of who we are? We share 
the whole idea of being naked and unashamed. That’s ideally what 
we’d like to be able to be, but a lot of times we get covered up by our 
past, or inhibited by things. If you have had a past relationship, or say 
you’ve even been sexually molested as a child, those are all things 
that truly need to be discussed in the light, and truly need forgiveness, 
and working through your own process really needs to be addressed.  
 
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