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iQuestions Faculty, Michael and Amy Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
If I have an STD and my partner doesn’t. Should I abstain from having 
sexual relations with him so he doesn’t get the STD, or should I find 
another partner who already has the same STD? 
 
Answer: 
 
MICHAEL SMALLEY: Boy, having an STD can put a lot of strain on a 
relationship. I love the fact that you are trying to figure out, “Hey, 
should I be with this person who doesn’t, so that I don’t transmit it to 
him? Or do I need to find someone with the same kind of STD that I 
have?” 
 
I just want to be brutally honest. You first have to let the non-infected 
partner or spouse know what you have, because that would be really 
unfair. 
 
AMY SMALLEY: You need to honor them by letting them know what is 
going on, and you will, in a sense, set your relationship up to say, “You 
know what? The truth will be established in our relationship, and I can 
be honest, even though it’s hard.” I know it would be really, really 
hard. 
 
MICHAEL: Well, it’s scary, because you think, “Oh! If I share this with 
this person that I really love, they are going to dump me.” 
 
And again, I care for you, but the reality is, with decisions we make in 
life, they are going to carry consequences. We can’t hold this 
information in because we don’t want a certain outcome. Reality is 
going to be reality, and either the person you are with will accept that, 
 
 
or she or he won’t accept it. But the fact is you have to give them the 
opportunity to know what is going on. 
 
And you know what? It absolutely might be the right thing to say, “OK, 
I’ve got this STD . . .” and maybe it would be easier because it would 
put a lot of undue stress on your relationship if your spouse doesn’t 
have what you have, and it might be an OK idea to try to have 
someone who has the same thing you have.  
 
Obviously, you wouldn’t want to just go and your criteria for marrying 
somebody is, “Hey, you’ve got the same STD I’ve got!” No, we’re not 
suggesting that you do that, but what we are saying is that oftentimes 
our histories and our similarities and our background can help bring us 
closer together, and your spouse would be able to understand you 
much better. 
 
 
 
M & A Smalley -2- 
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