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iQuestions Faculty, Michael and Amy Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I got pregnant and my husband is angry. He insists it's my fault 
because I didn't take my birth control. I took it, what do I do to 
communicate this to my husband so he'll believe me? 
 
Answer: 
 
MICHAEL: We are so sorry that your husband has such a profound, 
negative, false belief that you actually tried to sabotage him by not 
taking your birth control so that you could get pregnant. 
 
But here’s the deal. As hard as this may be, and as difficult as this 
may sound, we always first have to start with validating someone’s 
feelings—whether we think they are true or not—because once I 
validate, or once she validates her husband, then don’t you think he 
might actually then be open to hearing her? 
 
AMY: That’s right. If you can see that by validating his feelings, by 
realizing that maybe you did once upon a time say, “It would be really 
nice if . . .” and then suddenly now you’re pregnant, you can 
understand how the two-and-two may come together, even when that 
wasn’t your intention. 
 
What I would suggest is that you take turns and say, “You know what? 
I understand how you could feel this way,” and have him basically 
reflect that back and say, “Okay. I think you understand how I am 
feeling.” 
 
You will then be able to share, “I know how you could see it that way, 
but let me just tell you from my heart, that was not my intention.” 
 
 
 
MICHAEL: Say, “I am sorry that our relationship got to the point where 
you would feel that I might sabotage birth control.”  
 
When you take personal responsibility and you start validating, you 
can do this all on your own and your husband doesn’t even have to get 
involved—because people tend to calm down and back off their 
entrenched beliefs when they just get validated. 
 
Do that, and watch to see how your husband will relax, and then when 
he relaxes, he might actually be open to hearing the truth.  
 
M & A Smalley -2- 
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