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iQuestions Faculty, Michael and Amy Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
My boyfriend has had sex, but I am still a virgin. I'm really interested 
in him, but I'd like to marry a man who's a virgin, too. What should I 
do? 
 
Answer: 
 
MICHAEL: It is really tough if you are a virgin and you are dating 
someone that you really care about, and you know that he’s not a 
virgin. That is such a powerful question, because you know this is 
someone you are going to spend the rest of your life with, and it 
probably seems like some of your fear is, “Is that going to cause 
problems?”  
 
AMY: You know what? Michael and I know a little bit about that, 
because that was our situation. I wasn’t a virgin when we got married. 
 
MICHAEL: And I was. 
 
AMY: I thought since I’m not a virgin and he was, I was going to be no 
good to him, and that once he found out, he wouldn’t want to be with 
me anymore.   
 
One powerful experience that we had was when Michael offered up an 
example of forgiveness. He got a bowl and he actually washed my 
feet, and he said, “You know what? You are cleansed. I see you as a 
whole and a perfect and a beautiful person.” 
 
I feel like you would have missed out on a really great catch, if 
[virginity] would have been your only criteria. I think there are a lot of 
 
 
trials and things that come into our lives, and I don’t think we ever 
want to say they can’t be redeemed or that that person needs to be 
tossed from the running.  
 
MICHAEL: If you think you’re going to meet the perfect person that 
has no problems, I’m telling you right now, me included, her included, 
and every single person you know has a history. They have things 
they are not proud of, things they are ashamed of, things they wish 
they had done different. 
 
So if your criteria is, “I’m going to pick this idea of virginity. He has to 
be a virgin,” let me tell you, there is a high percentage of males and 
females that aren’t virgins when they get married. You’re shrinking 
your pool of people that you could meet down significantly. 
 
We want you to be gracious and merciful toward someone, and know 
that everyone is going to come into a relationship with baggage, and 
“Where they are now” is what you should be more worried about, as 
opposed to “Where they have been?” 
M & A Smalley -2- 
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