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iQuestions Faculty, Michael and Amy Smalley 
 
 
Question: 
 
I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend. We broke up four months 
ago. I desperately want him back...but he doesn't feel the same way. 
I'm completely lost. What do I do? 
 
Answer: 
 
AMY: You’ve gone through a breakup, and it has been a couple of 
months, and you are still having feelings for this guy. I have been 
through that, and I know that it’s so hard and so painful. 
 
My encouragement for you is—we talk about this a lot in our seminars 
about a core fear—and as women, we were created to be relational 
beings, and that means that we identify ourselves with the kind of 
relationships we are in. And so, the absence of this relationship really 
might make you feel like, “Okay, so who am I?” 
 
I would encourage you to look at it and say, “I know I shouldn’t 
necessarily identify myself as part of that relationship.” Maybe it’s just 
that “this is who I am, that I need to be connected to someone,” but 
honestly, do you need to be connected to that person? Or do you first 
need to be connected with your first love, and that may be to Christ? 
 
MICHAEL: Here is where I want to encourage you. You’re spending a 
lot of emotional energy in your hurt and you’re feeling sad. 
Furthermore, you’re probably feeling rejected, or not worthy, because 
you have feelings for this guy but he is not reciprocating those 
feelings.  
 
 
 
Here is what you have to start asking yourself, “Why is he not 
reciprocating? And is that the kind of person I really want to be with, 
who is not going to love me unconditionally and love me no matter 
what?” And say, “I know there is actually going to be somebody better 
for me out there.”  
 
Start just focusing on that issue, “There is someone better for me, and 
it will be a beautiful relationship, and I don’t need this loser who is not 
interested in me.” 
 
M & A Smalley -2- 
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