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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Tim & Darcy Kimmel 
 
 
Question: 
 
How do we get romance back into our marriage? 
 
Answer: 
 
TIM KIMMEL: That’s not uncommon. I’ll tell you what. When you have 
been married for five or six years or five or six decades, it just 
happens, because love is like anything. It has to be maintained. It’s 
going to deteriorate if you don’t pay attention to it. And when it comes 
to romance and intimacy, there are so many things that try to wreck 
our romance. 
 
We think that the best way is to work through a four-part recipe. 
 
DARCY KIMMEL: A recipe? 
 
TIM: You know, if you are going to make chili, there are some basic 
ingredients to chili. Now, everybody’s chili would be to their own little 
liking, but there are some basic things to it.  
 
And we have found that there are four basic things in our recipe for 
romance. 
 
DARCY: The first is time.  
 
TIM: Yeah. 
 
DARCY: I mean, how can you have romance if you don’t devote some 
time to each other? 
 
 
Heart connection takes time, so make sure that you are spending 
some quality time with one another. Just talking, doing things you 
enjoy, investing in one another.  
 
TIM: And tenderness. 
 
DARCY: Tenderness is that way to say, “I love you,” you know, a 
dozen times a day without even saying a word. 
 
TIM: You know, being kind to each other, respecting each other, 
appreciating each other, vocalizing to each other the things that you 
notice about each other, and how hard each person is working and 
contributing to the life that you are trying to make, and the kids you 
are trying to raise. Things like that. 
 
That’s very important. 
 
DARCY: And then the third ingredient is tenacity. Because, hey, 
married life is not always fun. You have got to hang in there.  
 
And a lot of times when you go through hard times together, you come 
out the other side much more connected, much more in love with one 
another. 
 
TIM: Yeah. And that’s about resolving conflict, making sure that you 
are setting united goals for the future, making sure you are on the 
same page about the kids or the grandkids, the work demands, the 
goals of your finances. All of those things help you stay tenacious 
about it, because this has got to be a priority of your married life.  
 
This is—I’m going to say something that might just shock you—but 
this is why you got married. Sex and intimacy is why people get 
married. Because when you stop and think about all the other things 
that come in marriage, you don’t really need to be married to have 
 
those things. I mean, obviously, kids are a part of the sex or a result 
of the sex, but assuming that that’s part of the sexual side, in every 
other thing, you don’t have to be married for that.  
 
And so, this was the unique thing, and you want to keep it precious 
and fun and exciting. 
 
So, we have . . . 
 
DARCY: The fourth ingredient.  
 
TIM: Yeah. The fourth ingredient. 
 
DARCY: It has to be a “t,” doesn’t it?  
 
TIM: Yeah. 
 
DARCY: Temperature. You have to have a way of turning up the heat 
every once in a while in your relationship.  
 
TIM: Well, there are some things you can do for that. First of all, you 
might want to reclaim your bedroom for sex.  
 
DARCY: Yeah, take down the ironing board and maybe get rid of that 
pile in the corner that has its own website. 
 
TIM: Because it’s kind of ridiculous what goes on in some bedrooms. 
 
You might want to change the lighting and get those candles out and 
light them up. Things like that.  
 
DARCY: And keep dating each other. Just because you are married, it’s 
not “been there, done that.” You have to go out and do things together 
that you enjoy. That really nourishes that emotional, romantic side.  
 
 
TIM: And, by the way, parking is actually allowed now. Your parents 
won’t be upset. You’re actually married. You can do that.  
 
DARCY: [laughs] 
 
TIM: But that’s another thing you can do. But then you’ve got to get 
rid of the distractions that I think can undermine the sexual life in a 
married couple. 
 
The kids are distractions. You can’t get rid of them, but you do want to 
manage them a little bit better, so you have some time alone from 
them or get to bed a little bit earlier. Things like that. 
 
DARCY: The TV. The computer. You might have to take a twelve-step 
program for the remote control. Those are all distractions that can 
keep you from the romantic side of your relationship. 
 
You also need to plan it better. I mean, passion takes planning. Don’t 
always wait until the end of the day, until you are so tired. You might 
have to just plan to get away with each other.  
 
TIM: Or get up earlier. Set the alarm and get up earlier. Things like 
that. And you know, you can have a nice romantic dinner in your 
bedroom. After you have put the kids to bed, you have already fed 
them, you can just set up table in there and have that like a nice, 
elegant evening. You don’t have to pay a lot of money out for that. 
 
Get those reality shows—well, make your own reality show. Unless, of 
course, it’s American Chopper. There are some reality shows you’ve 
got to keep in the equation. 
 
DARCY: [laughs] 
 
 
TIM: But those are just some of the things. But probably the number 
one thing is, give yourself permission to be sensual. 
 
DARCY: Women, give yourself permission to be sensual for your 
husband. You know, there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is 
encouraged.  
 
Light some of those candles. Spray on some of that perfume that you 
have been saving for a special occasion. And then, every once in a 
while, send your husband out to buy you a new nightgown.  
 
 
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