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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Tim & Darcy Kimmel 
 
 
Question: 
 
I love my wife but don't know how to show it except through sex. Do 
you have any suggestions for me? 
 
Answer: 
 
TIM KIMMEL: One of the problems when it comes to marriage is that 
the way a man thinks that he’s communicating affection, love, 
kindness, is not necessarily being picked up on the radar screen of his 
wife, and vice versa.  
 
For instances, as a man, I think that if I work really hard and I provide 
for my family, and I make sure that they are having a meaningful life 
and work hard with the kids, that that should be communicated as 
love and affection.  
 
But women want to know that they are loved and have affection in the 
proper way—but it doesn’t always have to lead to the bedroom. 
 
DARCY KIMMEL: That’s right. You know, men have an easier time 
connecting on a physical level, but women just really desire a heart 
connection. We call it “emotional foreplay.” 
 
They want to know that their husband has some focused attention on 
them. They want an openness, a dialogue, even a heart dialogue, 
between each other. They want to feel close, they want to feel 
intimate emotionally before they necessarily are intimate physically. 
 
 
TIM: You see, if you are not connected through love at the heart level, 
then it really undermines it when you are connected at the hip, 
because it all works together in one big picture.  
 
So, you know, what I would suggest to you is a couple of things. 
Recognize that because women are wired the way they are—there is 
nothing wrong with the way they are wired, but they just want to hear 
you say that you love them without it having to lead to something; 
that you recognize the hard work that they do, and you appreciate it; 
that they do look beautiful to you; that you love the way they are 
raising the kids, and how hard they work for that; you appreciate what 
they have done for the house, and how much they try to make it a 
beautiful place. 
 
These are the kinds of things that touch their heart. 
 
And you’ve got to do this when you’re going out the door to work, not 
when you’re going to bed; when you’re heading for church, and you’re 
just driving along in a car, and she recognizes, “He doesn’t have an 
ulterior motive here. He actually means this.” 
 
And all that stuff just says to her, “Look, the smartest thing I ever did 
was the day I married you. My stock value went up so high the day I 
married you, and I wish I was better at telling you that.”  
 
By the way, when you are vulnerable like that, you say, “I wish I were 
better at this. But you know what? I’ll probably never be as good as 
you would like me to be, but you need to know that in my heart of 
hearts, I am so grateful that you are the woman in my life.  I 
appreciate you so much.” 
 
See, when you say those kinds of things and she knows that this is not 
supposed to lead to sex, then when you are having sex and intimacy, 
 
it can be far more meaningful because you are becoming soul mates, 
not just bed partners. 
 
DARCY: And that’s real important to women. 
  
 
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