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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. Tim Kimmel 
 
 
Question: 
 
From a material standpoint, our children live a very comfortable 
lifestyle but they act like they are miserable. Did we miss something 
major in our parenting plan? 
 
Answer: 
 
You know, in our modern economy, it’s real easy to fall into the trap of 
thinking that the way you raise kids and give them a great childhood is 
you put them in a beautiful setting, you give them a lot of creature 
comforts, a lot of amenities. 
 
But you know what? That has never been the key to really bringing the 
best out of a child. 
 
There’s nothing wrong with it, in and of itself, but it will not produce 
joy and peace and comfort and excitement in a child. It will not 
produce a civility among the kids. No, there is something deeper—
deeper of the heart. 
 
My wife and I found that when we were able to isolate the real true 
needs of a child’s heart, and have a deliberate plan to meet them, boy, 
life got a lot better. 
 
I want to basically give you three things that are core to how children 
are hardwired.  
 
Every child, for instance, comes in this world with a driving inner need 
for security. It doesn’t matter who they are, they all want to know that 
they are secure. That’s why when they were first born, we wrap them 
 
 
up like a little burrito, you know, we carry them around. We swaddle 
them and we cuddle them a lot, because that’s very important they 
know the womb they were in is being transferred on the outside to 
people who are going to still keep them very safe. 
 
So, security is very important.  
 
And then significance is very important. They have this driving need to 
know that deep down inside they are valuable, they have innate worth. 
 
And then the third thing they need to know is they are strong, they are 
sufficient, they have what it takes to move into the future. 
 
Those are the things that drive every child’s heart. Now, if you don’t 
know what they are, you can’t meet them. But even if you know what 
they are, you have got to have a plan to meet them. What I want to 
do is I want to add a word to each one of those, and give you kind of a 
template for meeting these three driving inner needs.  
 
When it comes to security, what you want to do is give them a secure 
love, a love that they know is going to be there all the time, that you 
don’t back down from that. One of the ways you do that is you affirm 
them. You give them a lot of attention.  
 
When it comes to significance, you want to give them a significant 
purpose in life. You see, kids don’t want to live meaningless, empty 
lives. You’ve got to give them something to live for. I think when you 
give them the idea of living life for something bigger than life, by the 
way you live your life, that you live your life for others—you don’t live 
your life just for yourself and everything you can get out of it, but you 
live your life for others—you are showing them that there is something 
more to this whole thing. That gives them a great sense of incredible 
value, that they are making a contribution to the bigger picture of life. 
 
 
 
The third thing is, when it comes to strength, you want to give them a 
strong hope. They need to know that they can move into the future, 
and not be frightened by what’s waiting out there. Now, we don’t know 
what’s waiting out there, but one thing we have going for us as 
parents is we have already been through where they are, and we are 
already where they are going. And so, we have some ideas of what we 
can do. 
 
So, we can come along and help them identify their skill set and help 
build disciplines into their life and character into their life. And in the 
process, they realize, “My mom and my dad are working overtime to 
make sure that when I finally become an adult, I have built into me all 
the stuff I need to make it.”  
 
You know, when you communicate that to them, not just by the words 
you say, but the choices you are making—that you know that that 
child needs to have that secure love, that significant purpose, that 
strong hope, and you are deliberate about it—it’s amazing how 
suddenly the whole temperature in the house changes, and a great 
level of appreciation goes up and a lot of anxiety goes down.  
 
You can do this. Whether you are a single mom, a single dad, a 
couple—it doesn’t matter—give your kids a secure love, a significant 
purpose, and strong hope. 
 
 
 
 
 
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