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iQuestions Faculty, Dr. John Trent 
 
 
Question: 
 
My parents divorced. My grandparents divorced. My marriage is 
struggling. Is there a way for me to break the cycle of divorce? 
 
Answer: 
 
I am so glad that you clicked on this question, because one of the 
things that it says to me is that you want to know how you can break 
the cycle of divorce. It really is a cycle that can go in families. 
 
For example, my mom was divorced twice. I didn’t know my dad very 
well, but he was divorced three times—that we know of.  
 
Just think about that. That’s five divorces, just with my mom and dad.  
 
Now I get married and I have a clear plan on what? How to have a 
broken relationship.  
 
How can you break that cycle? Let me give you three quick things that 
I think could be helpful to you.  
 
Number one is to realize that you’re not alone.  
 
I was speaking at this thing called “Promise Keepers,” which was this 
big men’s gathering. It was in Indianapolis and there were 53,000 men 
at this big event.  
 
I asked every man that was there to stand who was like me and grew 
up in either a single parent or blended family—in other words, a home 
where there had been a divorce. 
 
 
 
Guess what. Half of the stadium stood up. That’s where we’re at today 
in our culture.  
 
So number one, realize that even though the culture is saying 
“commitment doesn’t count,” there’s a ton of us that are standing up 
and saying “We’re going to be the first one in our generation to break 
this cycle.” 
 
We’re a part of that culture, but we’re going to be the ones that say 
“things can be different.” 
 
Another thing that is really important is to realize that what you do 
today can make a huge difference on what happens tomorrow in your 
relationships. By that I mean, do something we call “two degree 
changes”—small things. 
 
One of the things I think we do sometimes when we’re in an 
adult/child divorce is we begin to fear “If I don’t do everything right or 
if I don’t do enough—“  
 
When is enough? Don’t worry about the big picture. Just start thinking 
“What can I do that’s small?”  
 
For example: opening the car door for your spouse. Instead of going 
“What’s the matter? It’s not raining, get in. Your arm’s not broken.”  
Think how small that is, just open the door. Call him from work and 
see how he’s doing. Put a note in his lunchbox.  
 
You see what I’m getting at? Do something small, don’t worry about 
something huge. What’s something small you can do?  
 
The third thing is: find a model, find a mentor. A couple that’s hung in 
there over the years. Not somebody that’s “perfect.”  
Trent -2- 
 
 
 
You know what I’m talking about? Not somebody who goes “We’ve 
been married for thirty years and we’ve never had an argument.”  
 
To me, I’d wonder, “Were they really married?”  
 
Pick somebody that’s had some struggles and yet they’ve hung in 
there for the long haul.  
 
So find that mentor couple. Start making two degree changes in your 
relationship. And be one of those people that stood up and even 
though you’re from a broken background, you’re the one that’s saying: 
“It’s going to stop in my generation. I’m going to break the cycle of 
divorce.” 
Trent -3- 
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