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iQuestions Expert, Doug Rosenau 
 
 
Question: 
 
Why does gracefully initiating and refusing sex become so difficult at 
times? 
 
Answer: 
 
The idea of initiating and refusing can be so loaded, and I get this a lot 
in my counseling. I’ve tried to think through why. 
 
Well, part of it is that any time we initiate something, we are really 
open to rejection. I think another part of it is, if we get refused, we are 
embarrassed—we have egg on our face. I think there’s a part of this 
that really speaks about our own sexuality and our responding or not 
responding, and, “Should I respond because I love this person?” Or, 
“I’m tired.”  
 
And then a part of the initiating and refusing, I think, sometimes is 
just the whole non-verbal part of it.  
 
I remember one husband was telling me. I said, “Well, how did your 
wife initiate sex?” And he said, “Well, she has this nightgown she 
wears.” I said, “Well, that’s not a bad non-verbal.” And he said, “Well, 
she’s been wearing that same nightgown for eight years!” And I said, 
“Buddy, that’s your problem. Maybe you should have gotten her a new 
nightgown.” 
 
Or another couple, when they were trying to just ease that rejection, 
they have a smiley face that they have on the refrigerator, and if the 
smiley face is on the oven hood, it means, “I might be open to 
(something) tonight. You might try.” 
 
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So, I think that there’s some part of this that, when we get into 
initiating and refusing, we really need to make sure our non-verbals 
are clear, and also be able to really realize that it’s hard to initiate and 
it’s hard to refuse. 
 
Sometimes I ask couples to do roll-playing and reverse the roles and 
say to their mate, “Let me show you how I would like to be initiated 
to.” Or, “Let me show you how I would like to be refused.” 
 
One last comment—I would say, gals, if you can’t say no, you really 
can’t say yes. But, if it really isn’t “tonight is not the night,” what 
really helps your husband is if you could say, “You know, tonight is 
Wednesday night. I’m just so tired. It’s been so taxing. But let’s see if 
we could do it tomorrow morning or Friday when we’re off work. We’ll 
really enjoy it.” 
 
So I think part of it, the gracious refusal is being able to place another 
time when you might get to it.  
 
This is complex, isn’t it? There really is a part of this that’s a part of 
who we are, and putting ourselves out there and learning as lovers to 
really enjoy each other.  
 
Be assertive enough to initiate, but also be graceful in our refusing. 
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