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 1 
iQuestions Expert, Doug Rosenau 
 
 
Question: 
 
Doesn't scheduling sex ruin spontaneity? 
 
Answer: 
 
Couples sometimes worry that if they get structured, they really are 
going to ruin the spontaneity of their love life.  
 
I remember one couple that came to see me, and they hadn’t made 
love in three months. Three children, very, very busy, both of them 
work very busy schedules.  
 
So I was saying to them, “I think we need to think through optimal 
times. There are some times, like you have an optimal time for going 
to the grocery store or going to church, or other types of things you 
put into your life. We need to think through the optimal times and 
structure in the time that’s best for you.”  
 
We decided that Friday night was the best time. Friday night was the 
night.  
 
And so, their last comment on their way out the door of the office was, 
“Well, thank you very much for destroying all of our spontaneity.” 
 
And I said, “Spontaneity?! You haven’t done it in three months. I 
mean, am I destroying your spontaneity?” 
 
So, I think somehow it’s important for great lovemaking, to really build 
the love life that you need, is that you have spontaneous structure. 
Because, what I told this couple was, “I’m not really structuring your 
 
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Friday night. I’m not saying to you that you have to do it in the 
bedroom or on the dining room table. I’m not saying you can’t go out 
to a nice romantic dinner beforehand. But somehow you’re saying that 
if we don’t get some structure in there, we just really aren’t getting to 
it.” 
 
So I feel like it’s a great question. Do we have spontaneity? Yes, we 
really need spontaneity and variety. Do we sometimes need to take 
advantage of optimal times? Yes. If we really want a great love life, 
there has to be this spontaneous structure. 
 
 
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