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iQuestions Expert, Doug Rosenau 
 
 
Question: 
 
How can we use fantasy to enhance our love life? 
 
Answer: 
 
Sometimes people will see or hear the word “fantasy” and think, “Oh 
my! Kinky—something that’s really going to hurt our love life.” 
 
But, maybe we need to take the time to define what fantasy is. See, 
fantasy really is more mental imagery. It’s using our mind and 
imagination. 
 
I remember one of my sex therapy supervisors was saying that 
usually, in sexual lovemaking, about maybe 20% is friction and 80% is 
fantasy. She was saying that our minds are the tool that make it. 
 
I remember one of the couples I was working with, they had just had 
this glorious vacation in Hawaii, and so we were talking about fantasy. 
They said, “Oh, we love fantasy.” They said, “Right in the middle of 
the wintertime, we’ll just pretend we’re on the beach in Hawaii and 
we’ll get out the suntan lotion and the bathing suits and everything 
and just create in our living room another Hawaii and just have a lot of 
fun.” 
 
I chuckled afterwards because I thought, “You know, I’ll bet their 
coworkers are wondering . . .” [Sniff, sniff.] “Yup. Suntan lotion. 
They’ve been at that fantasy again, haven’t they?” 
 
I think fantasies can really be a part that can enhance.  
 
 
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How could fantasies take away from the experience? Obviously, if we 
include someone else. Any time pornography or fantasy brings 
someone else into our bedroom, it really is a detraction. 
 
Again, our fantasies can be something that are playful, enjoyable—
mutually enjoyable. But again, it needs to have that mutuality to it in 
a fun way. 
 
Isn’t it fascinating how fantasies can really vary at times from man to 
woman? Women, they just use their imaginations more, I think, in 
vivid and rich and colorful ways. 
 
When I ask a couple sometimes, “What is your ideal lovemaking? If 
you would just fantasize about creating an ideal lovemaking, what 
would you do?”  
 
The wife will say, “I come home, and he’s already made the decision 
and gotten the kids to a babysitter or to his mom’s. And then we 
decide not to go out to eat. We just sit and enjoy making a meal 
together in the kitchen. And then we sit and watch this romantic 
movie, and we slowly lose our clothes as we go back to the bedroom, 
and he’s got candles lit and there’s music.” 
 
And I think, “Wow, that’s rich.”  
 
And then I say, “Hey, guy, what’s your favorite fantasy?”  
 
He will say, “You know, I come home, the kids are gone. She meets 
me naked at the door, and we do it in a hallway.” 
 
I think, “Boy, that’s not very rich, my friend.”  
 
There’s such difference at times, I think, as we look at fantasy and 
enjoy it. But don’t neglect the mind. It’s the most important part of 
 
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lovemaking. And don’t neglect that idea of surprises and enriching 
your lovemaking with fantasy and imagery as you keep it mate-
focused, and don’t offend your mate’s sensibilities.  
 
Just create the playfulness and excitement you can enjoy—and you 
can enjoy Hawaii in the midst of February if you want to.  
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