To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.
 
 1 
iQuestions Expert, Doug Rosenau 
 
 
Question: 
 
What is masturbation exactly and is it okay in a good marriage? 
 
Answer: 
 
You know, just the word masturbation almost sounds ugly. And it 
really is a topic that couples have a hard time talking about.  
 
I think when we look at masturbation, maybe two things are important 
to consider. One thing may be how we define it.  
 
I remember I was working with a couple, and she was saying, “Well, I 
really would like to have a climax, have an orgasm, when we’re having 
intercourse, and I really need more direct clitoral stimulation to have 
that happen.”  
 
And I say, “Well, you like your husband on top in that position, why 
don’t you just reach down and stimulate your clitoris while you’re 
having intercourse?” 
 
And then she said, “Oh! I couldn’t touch myself. That’s masturbating!” 
 
And so, I have to sometimes to go to couples and say, “Just in the 
mutuality and enjoyment of lovemaking, you may touch yourself, she 
may touch you, he may touch . . .” I mean, there are differing ways at 
this, so I don’t call that masturbating. That’s more in the process of 
lovemaking. 
 
Masturbating, to me, would be more that isolated, apart-from-each-
other activity.  
 
 2 
 
When couples come to me and say, “Could masturbating be OK in a 
good marriage?” I usually say, “Why? Why?” 
 
Our sex drive, this testosterone that is in each of us, and androgens 
and other things, really is given there to drive us to each other, to 
drive us to intimate connecting, to drive us to healthy and enjoyable 
and fun lovemaking. 
 
I always explore when somebody says, “Well, we masturbate,” or “I 
masturbate,” what’s going on in the marriage. Is it some lack of 
frequency? Is it something that is just a habit? Could it be even part of 
some type of sexual addiction? I just try to really explore why, 
because I would like their sexual desire to drive them to each other, 
not to drive them to isolated activity that meets those needs. 
 
So, remember how you would define masturbation, and then really 
talk through, again, if this is a part of when you are apart, why it’s a 
part of it, and is it really helpful to the mutual lovemaking. And, is it 
really enhancing your ability to be lovers? 
 
One quick example: I remember one of my clients who was a pilot, 
and he was saying, “It used to be that I was gone four days overseas, 
and I would masturbate while I was on the road.” And he said, “What 
we’ve decided that works so much better for our lovemaking and our 
marriage is we try to make love within one day before I leave and 
within one day when I come back.” He said, “Just not masturbating on 
the road really helps me guard my thought-life, and just helps me 
enjoy my wife more when I am with her.” 
 
So, talk about this topic. It is a loaded topic in marriage, but one that 
we need to dialogue about. 
 
 
 
 3 
 
 
To download a printable version of this transcript, click here.