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 1 
iQuestions Expert, Doug Rosenau 
 
 
Question: 
 
We're in our late 40's. My husband and I married over a year ago. He 
started to have erectile dysfunction problems and then told me he had 
been sexually abused as a child. It's ruining our marriage and 
counseling isn't helping. What can we do? 
 
Answer: 
 
When couples come in to marriage, they often aren’t aware of all the 
baggage that they bring with them, and they haven’t really talked it 
through. This question really is talking about sexual abuse, which is 
unfortunately very common. 
 
I’m just so saddened that some of the statistics would say that one out 
of three women—and men aren’t that much different—by the time 
they are in their late teens have had a sexually-abusive experience.  
 
So, I’m sad when I look at this. But let’s just take this question apart a 
bit. I would look at the erectile dysfunction. I would try to not just 
totally ignore that, and try to understand if it’s medical, try to 
understand if maybe some of it is psychological. But, it also may be 
very symptomatic of the abuse.  
 
I think it’s important when we’re getting help with specific areas that 
we really think through our counseling experience, that we may not 
always just bond; we may not always really connect and click with a 
given therapist. 
 
 
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And when we’re thinking of things like a man who has been sexually 
abused, there may be aspects of the therapist that he’s having a hard 
time connecting with. 
 
So I always tell clients to be a good consumer. Be a good consumer. 
You know, I even may not be the person that you need. Be a good 
consumer. 
 
But I’m also thinking about these two things of erectile dysfunction 
and sexual abuse. Both of those can become very specialized. With 
erectile dysfunction, there may need to be medical help involved there 
as a part of the counseling process. Or there may need to be someone 
who is experienced in working with the psychological aspects of 
erectile difficulties. 
 
What I would especially say—and I know a lot of you watching this 
video have been sexually abused, and I am so, so sorry. But there 
really are ways to work this through so it doesn’t haunt you forever.  
But that really takes a specialized person who has really learned to 
work with sexual abuse, and that may not be the counseling that you 
are getting right now. You may need to seek out that person that can 
really help you deal with and work through not only the abuse, but 
really learn to make joyful love here in the present.  
 
I would say that to those struggling, “Don’t let your problem totally 
define your marriage.”  
 
Really enjoy each other. Have some fun dates. Play. Enjoy other 
aspects of kissing and holding each other. Even if there are some 
aspects of intercourse or erectile dysfunction or things that are getting 
in the way, just learn that marriage is more than sex. Marriage is more 
than sexual functioning. Laugh, play. Enjoy each other. Really help 
each other through this journey of dealing with baggage as you still 
enjoy your marriage.  
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