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iQuestions Expert, Michael Sytsma 
 
 
Question: 
 
Should I ever share my sexual fantasies with my mate? 
 
Answer: 
 
Our sexual fantasies are very personal to who we are, which gives the 
opportunity for some really neat intimacy, as you share that with your 
spouse. 
 
Talk about what you would dream of and what you envision your sex 
life being, or particular experiences that you might have—to discuss 
with each other that you might enjoy having sex on the beach with 
your wife. 
 
Those can be really good in drawing the two of you together.  
 
As you sort through, do be aware that males and females generally 
have very quite different types of fantasies.  
 
An exercise we will often use in sex therapy is having a couple sit 
down and individually write out their own sexual fantasies and then to 
share them with each other. 
 
It’s kind of interesting to hear that often wives will talk about this nice, 
long, flowery, romantic fantasy. And interestingly enough, they will 
say things like “I had taken a nap,” or “I was well-rested,” or “we were 
on vacation,” where husbands will often do a two to three sentence 
kind of fantasy that is “I walked in the door, you stripped my clothes 
off, and we did it right there in the foyer.” 
 
 
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Just being able to talk about those differences and how husband and 
wife approach it can really lead to the intimacy. 
 
The one caution is, if your fantasy is an unhealthy one, if it steps 
outside of the boundaries that were designed for marital intimacy, if 
your fantasy is in bringing in another person, bringing in that 
unhealthiness is not what we want to do. And that can actually be 
destructive in your marriage. 
 
For those fantasies, you want to either hire a sex therapist, you want 
to talk to your pastor, an accountability partner, some trusted friend, 
and sort through the fantasy with them rather than burden your 
spouse with a fantasy that you know is unhealthy and that does not 
need to be brought into your marriage. 
 
But otherwise, sharing your fantasy can be really good in drawing the 
two of you together and helping you to understand each other. 
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