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iQuestions Expert, Michael Sytsma 
 
 
Question: 
 
If my husband watches pornography is he a sex addict? 
 
Answer: 
 
Is your husband a sex addict if he’s watching pornography? Well, there 
are some in our culture who say definitely that’s true: “If he is looking 
at any pornography, then he has a problem, and he is a sex addict.” 
 
The reality of it is, that’s not fully true. There may be a number of 
things that are going on. One of those is, he may not realize how 
destructive that is to himself, to the relationship, and how destructive 
that can be to your heart as you are afraid of what that means. 
 
I think it’s important at those times to sit down, maybe take some 
notes and write out what you’re thinking as you realize he is looking at 
the pornography, how that’s affecting you, and how you see it 
affecting your marriage, your relationship together, and then share 
that with him. 
 
A second thing that may be going on is, he has just not disciplined his 
sex life. Pornography is, by nature, something that is very drawing.  
It’s compelling. It draws us into it. He may have just gotten caught up 
into it, and he’s involved in a bad habit, and he is not disciplining his 
sex life. He needs to learn how to set some boundaries on that, how to 
keep sex focused just on you as his wife, which is the design for it. 
 
Sometimes, there is a third thing that is going on, and he is beginning 
to get into trouble, but he’s not an addict yet. He’s down that pathway, 
 
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that he’s continually getting drawn into it, but it hasn’t begun to 
consume him yet.  
 
In those stages, we need to step back and really take a hard look at 
what kind of boundaries and protection we can put in. Can we put 
some filters on our computer? Can we begin to develop an 
accountability partner who helps us bring that back in line and helps us 
to discipline it again? 
 
But yes, sometimes, when men or women are looking at pornography 
online, they are becoming a sex addict. It is beginning to take control 
of who they are. They are beginning to put more and more energy into 
it, and they are risking more and more. It’s beginning to have a 
greater and greater draw on who they are. They are becoming an 
addict to it. In those times, they need some help in getting out of that, 
because it is consuming and it will take them over.  
 
Fourth, he may be a sex addict. Is he spending a lot more time in it? 
Is it beginning to consume him? Remember, addiction means that it’s 
taking more and more of our energy. It begins to change our brain and 
the brain chemistry in there. We begin to risk a lot more for that 
behavior. 
 
It really takes somebody who is trained in this to sort out whether he 
is an addict or not, but what I hear in your question is that you are 
concerned about the damage that may be there, and that is worth 
sorting out, because pornography is always damaging. It is outside the 
sanctity of your relationship.  
 
So, sit down and talk with him. Encourage him to talk with others, and 
get some help on whether this is an addiction or not, because it might 
be and might not be—but either way, it’s worth looking at to cut down 
on the damage. 
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