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iQuestions Expert, Michael Sytsma 
 
 
Question: 
 
My wife doesn't want to have sex anymore. Is there something we can 
do? 
 
Answer: 
 
Lack of sexual desire for women is the most common complaint that 
comes into sex therapist offices, and even the most common sexual 
complaint coming into marriage therapist offices.  
 
In about 80% of couples, the husband is the high desire person, and in 
20% of couples, it’s the wife being the high desire person. 
 
So the question you are asking is probably the most common one that 
we get coming into our offices. Are there things that can be done? 
There are a number of things that can be done.  
 
We often want the pill that’s going to fix it. We often want a chemical 
that’s going to change it. At this point, we haven’t discovered any of 
those. If we do, I’m concerned that that may not be always the 
healthiest thing for us. But for now, we don’t have a chemical that’s 
going to make it all go away. 
 
Probably the best thing that you can do is keep working on it and 
continue nurturing and caring for each other.  
 
My favorite story is a couple that asked that question, and I looked at 
her and said, “What do you think is going on?”  
 
 
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Now, understand that she had four young children—four children 
under the age of six—and she looked up at me and she said, “Well, 
you know, I’ve spent all day with four boys pawing at me, sucking on 
me, drooling on me, and hanging on me. The last thing I want is my 
husband to come home pawing at me, sucking on me, drooling on me, 
and hanging on me. I just don’t have the energy for that anymore.” 
 
By stepping back and truly caring for and nurturing our wives, we can 
give them the space to desire us again, to want to care for us.  
 
But sometimes that’s just going to go not how we would like. Spend 
some time on it, figure out what’s going on, and care for each other. It 
can come back. 
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