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 1 
iQuestions Expert, Michael Sytsma 
 
 
Question: 
 
I'm 41 and all of a sudden find that I have no desire for sex with my 
wife. What can I do? 
 
Answer: 
 
Losing sexual desire for your wife is a real concern. That it’s happened 
very quickly makes us want to take a good look at it. 
 
It’s normal in about 20% of couples for the wife to be the higher desire 
spouse— that she will want sex more often then he does. 
 
But for most couples, 80% of us, the husband has the higher desire. 
When that rapidly shifts, it’s not uncommon for couples to trade places 
at times, but it’s worth looking at when it happens.  
 
If you have suddenly lost sexual desire, we need take a look at a 
couple of steps.  
 
First off, you need to go see your doctor and talk with him about it. 
There could be a number of reasons that are going on. Sometimes it’s 
an early warning sign for a rather serious health issue, but generally, 
it’s going to be something like your testosterone level is dropping, 
especially at about that age. He can do a simple blood test, and can 
tell you whether the levels are where they are supposed to be, and he 
can recommend some medications. 
 
Or this brings us to the second thing: often our testosterone drops or 
our sexual desire shifts when our life has gotten out of balance. 
 
 
 2 
I do some amazing sex therapy where the sexual desire has decreased 
for the wife, just by getting them to ruthlessly look at their life.  
 
Are you eating well? Are you eating healthy? Are you getting the 
nutrition that you need? Are you getting good sleep? Are you 
exercising regularly? Are you taking care of yourself? Is your mind 
really caught up in some stresses at work? 
 
So, getting into a regular exercise routine, really looking at your 
nutrition and your diet, spending some time and down-time with your 
wife, just romancing her and enjoying your time together— all of these 
things are important to begin to try.  
 
If that still doesn’t work, then I strongly encourage you to seek out a 
sex therapist who is trained in this area.  
 
Remember, it’s complex. It may take a while to sort out what’s going 
on, but it’s worth dealing with. It’s worth working on solving the puzzle 
and bringing back that sexual desire for your wife that will help to 
increase the intimacy in your marriage. 
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