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iQuestions Expert, Michael Sytsma 
 
 
Question: 
 
I like for my wife to take the sexual lead sometimes. How can I coax 
her to do this without being demanding, which is a big turn off to her? 
 
Answer: 
 
Most men would like their wives to initiate sex a bit more often than 
they do. 
 
The reality of it is, her body really is not designed to do that as well as 
a husband’s body is designed to. 
 
See, testosterone is the chemical that turns on the “I’m thinking about 
sex” part of our brain. For many men, that is rather intrusive.  
 
So, we are thinking about sex quite a bit more than our wives will. 
They have about 1/10th of the testosterone that we do. Now, that is 
reversed in some marriages. But for most, the husband is thinking 
about it quite often, so he is going to initiate it more. 
 
I think some of that is reflected in scripture, where Christ, Himself, is 
the Groom, and He talks about His bride being the church. And He 
says, “I, being the Groom, I, Christ, stand at the door and I knock.” 
Now, He is knocking very gently. He is asking to be invited in. He is 
asking for us to open up the door and for us to receive Him. 
 
It’s important to know that He is standing there politely knocking, 
tenderly, gently knocking. He’s not busting down the door. He’s not 
standing outside whining and complaining when we don’t open the 
 
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door. He is simply caringly, lovingly, tenderly initiating with us. And 
that’s our task, I believe, as a husband. 
 
The wife’s task, then, He says, is to receive Him. He says, “If anyone 
will open the door, I will come into him, and we will have a central 
feast together.” So, her task is to be receptive. 
 
Now, that doesn’t mean that every time we knock on the door, she is 
supposed to open it up. She won’t be receptive every time. But that is 
her task. Let her work on being disciplined to receive you. Your task is 
to initiate in a loving, tender, caring way. 
 
Now, sometimes, it is nice if she does initiate. But if you are trying to 
coax her into it, it probably is going to be counter-productive. It will 
actually more likely shut her down to do that.  
 
When she does initiate, it will probably come more out of discipline, 
more out of a choice to do that, because she knows it’s important to 
you and she knows it’s a way of caring for you. 
 
It probably won’t come out of the “I’m-really-needing-to-have-sex-
with-you-right-now” urge that you might like for it to be. But if you 
guys both work on reflecting how Christ has set that up, that we as 
husbands tenderly initiate, and she works on her part of trying to be 
receptive to you, then it can be a really great marriage and fulfilling 
sexual intimacy time. 
 
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