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iQuestions Faculty, Roland Warren 
 
 
Question: 
 
I find that I easily get angry with my teenage son. I don't want to be 
angry with him but he doesn't listen. What can I do? 
 
Answer: 
 
This is a great question related to teenagers. Let me first deal with the 
whole listening issue.  
 
I raised two teenage sons, and I can tell you there were times I 
thought they weren’t listening to me. But I think what you need to be 
focused on is: are they hearing you? Unfortunately, in the parenting 
process that can be a difficult thing to know.  
 
In my case, for example, my sons are now older and they tell me 
things that I told them when they were teenagers. When clearly, 
based on their expressions and based on everything else, I thought 
“My gosh, they’re not listening to me.” I want to encourage you on 
that point—that you’re getting through a lot more than you think you 
are. 
 
One thing you have to think about is: is this anger related to your 
teenager, or is it related to lots of things? In other words, do you have 
an anger management issue?  
 
If you do, then you might want to think about getting some counseling 
from your church, from a counselor, in order to work through those 
issues, because your teenager situation just might be a reflection of a 
broader issue.  
 
 
 
Now, if it’s related specifically to your teenager, I’ve found a 
mechanism that works really well for me. It’s the “Three R’s”: Relax, 
Relate, and Release. 
 
The relax piece is one of the most important, and sometimes frankly 
one of the hardest to do. That’s really focused on controlling your 
emotions. And you’ve got to focus on the “Two T’s” there. One is your 
temper and the second is your tongue. 
 
Now, once you’ve got that down—you’re relaxed—then you get into 
the relate piece. The relate piece is really focused on seeking to 
understand.  
 
If you have a teenager that’s making you angry, and you’re 
disconnected in some way, shape, or form, if you really take the time 
to understand them—my view is seek to understand before being 
understood—it’s critically important, and it will help tremendously. 
 
The last piece is the release piece. It can be related to other things 
that have happened in terms of conversations you’ve had with your 
teenager where there was conflict. If you’re bringing those situations 
back into this conversation, it’s probably not going to go well.  
 
It doesn’t work well with teens, and doesn’t work well with wives 
either. The reality is that you need to release any anger related to 
previous conversations in order to make sure in this conversation 
you’re making the biggest connection. 
 
Those are three areas that I think are critically important in terms of 
having that conversation. I’d try that mechanism on people—like I 
want to try it on pets, stuff like that, who don’t respond back—so that 
by the time you talk to your teenager, you’ve got it down and you’re 
good at it.  
Warren -2- 
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