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iQuestions Faculty, June Hunt 
 
 
Question: 
 
How can I overcome the guilt and shame of being sexually abused as a 
child?  
 
Answer: 
 
It’s amazing how many people feel shame—personal shame and guilt, 
about being violated. When there has been a severe offense, a 
betrayal—childhood sexual abuse. Let me just say, if you were a victim 
of childhood sexual abuse, this is not your shame; the shame belongs 
to the perpetrator, not you.  
 
There’s a progression when childhood sexual abuse comes into play. 
Typically, we’re not talking about an act of violence toward a child, 
that’s rare. The typical course begins with seduction.  
 
This is a person, usually a family member, but it could be a neighbor, 
or a family friend—who does favors, gives gifts, gives compliments, 
who knows what will help build intimacy and value in that child. At the 
least, that child feels more and more valuable to this person, the 
perpetrator.   
 
In truth, we are talking about bribes—bribing or seducing this child 
that then moves to stimulation. Who doesn’t enjoy a backrub? Who 
doesn’t enjoy a foot rub? Just casual things that are harmless, but in 
the eye of the perpetrator, there’s a plan. Over a period of time the 
plan is to desensitize that child.  The progression will be from an 
innocent touch that moves to the private parts. 
 
 
Therefore, once this stimulation occurs, a child realizes part of the 
shame could be, “But I felt pleasure. I felt good. I enjoyed the 
activity.” And therefore, it is so confusing for a child. And, if this was 
you, please understand God made your body to respond, if sexually 
stimulated. That’s His design. But, it was to be in the context of a 
loving, committed marriage relationship. Sexual joining together and 
sexual stimulation was designed for bonding in marriage and the 
making of children. However, a perpetrator knows what he or she is 
doing.  
 
Now comes silencing. Silencing statements like:  
 
“You see, this is our secret. You won’t want to tell our secret, 
because if you tell our secret, it will break my heart.”  
 
“If you share our secret, your mother would be so hurt.”  
 
“If you share our secret, they won’t let me see you again.”  
 
“If you share our secret, your mother will divorce me, and I’ll be 
gone from your life forever.”  
 
“If you share our secret, I’ll tell them you wanted it.”  
 
There are a host of reasons. Let me give you a few more that we have 
in our Biblical Counseling Keys.  
 
“If you share our secret, I’ll say you started it. It’s your fault.” 
 
“If you share our secret, I won’t love you anymore.” 
 
”If you share our secret, I’ll kill myself. Or you.” 
 
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Shame? These statements are said to place shame in you, but this is 
false shame. The Bible says, “When I was child, I thought like a child. I 
reasoned like a child. But now as an adult, I put childish ways behind 
me.” 
 
What do you need to put behind you? First of all, false guilt. God does 
not want you to feel guilty about something someone else has done, 
some perpetrator. Again, it’s not your guilt. It’s not your shame.  
 
What you need to do is say, “Okay. As an adult, I understand I didn’t 
cause this,” and say it over and over, because children don’t start out 
causing another person to commit childhood sexual abuse. That’s not 
in the heart of a child. Then realize there is healing for you, that you 
don’t have to stay living with false guilt, but you could actually be used 
by God to help others. 
 
When you get free of false guilt, God’s going to use you and your very 
painful situation. God’s going to use your painful situation as a 
ministry to ultimately help others. People need to be set free, and you 
can be a part of helping them know the truth that sets them free.  
 
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